March of the Fan Girls
by Simply Hopeless
Summary: There is a mysterious ritual that dates back thousands of years. No living male has fully grasped or survived long enough to know the mysterious ways of the infamous fan girls obsession with Sasuke and the others…. Well, until Naruto. Parody


Hello Simply Hopeless here with yet another story for you. I'm kind of pissed with one of my Naruto stories right now so I'm getting out my anger by writing this little parody of what mischief Naruto can and will get in if he tried to pretend to be one of the fan girls. I've decided this will be in first person point of view and the story will start a few days after the Wave Country Arc with Zabuza before slowly working its way into the time skip. The title of this story is meant just a as a play of words of the documentary about the penguins in 'March of the Penguins'. My friend came up with the title if you want to know why she thought of it then ask her. Oh I hope you enjoy and show your support for Naruto's brave venture. Also I'm looking forward to reviews as always, so review lots.

**Bold **means Naruto's writing

_Italics _ means Naruto's thoughts

March of the Fan Girls

Before I allow you to enjoy the fruit of my labors allow me to inform you that I have documented the movements of the infamous fan girls at the risk of bodily harm to my person if caught. The information that I have gathered has span over more then a four-year period and to better understand the inner workings of the fan girl's mind I have disguised myself as one of them, infiltrating their secret fold. This Documentary was made under no aide by the National Geographic Society because they scuffed at my theories that I admittedly began out of sheer curiosity of the fan girls' curiosity for a Uchiha, Sasuke. But we will see who is laughing now soon enough as I, Uzumaki, Naruto, present to you the mysterious and unbelievingly frightening world of fan girls. I would like to now say sorry in advance if some of the footage that you are about to see is of poor quality but sadly midway through I lost not one but two of my cameramen to a mob of fan girls each on different occasions.

May Konohamaru and Sai's losses not be in vain.

Uzumaki, Naruto

**It seemed my interest for fan girls had started ever since I first saw a mob of eager girls waiting at the entrance of the main gates of Konoha. My fellow teammates and I had just come back from Wave Country a bit battered but happy at our surprisingly high ranked mission. I had even gained just a bit of respect for Sasuke. Just the littlest bit since the guy did save my life. And I was kind of hoping that maybe that meant we were on our way to becoming friends. Well… if he wanted to be.**

I shook my head and scratched out all but the first line I wrote down on the fresh piece of paper provided in my marble bound notebook. I scowled at the eraser debris from my pencil before impatiently dusting it away to show a less then pristine mark where I had begun to write. "Stupid cheap eraser," I mumble to myself.

I then allow my fingers to wander over the first few pages of the notebook. I remember clearly and easily the day this book was presented to me by Iruka-sensei. He said that it was a present for me in honors of accomplishing my first mission since joining Team Seven. I could vaguely remember him saying that it should be used to record down my experiences as a Genin so I can reflect over the pages and the hard work I put into my community when I later become Chuunin and Jounin. _'He kind of went on and on and that track and I kind of... might of... okay I completely zoned out on him and nearly lost receiving a free bowl of ramen from him. But when I got right down to it and really thought about it, being Genin damned near sucked,_' I couldn't help that thought. My fingers already slamming the book close as I scrapped my chair back to stand.

I couldn't help it... I found myself pacing back and forth between the walk space provided between my couch and desk. My arms suddenly threw themselves up in the air as I scowled to myself. 'Something's been bothering me since I started to think about those stupid fan girls,' I thought to myself scowling. My hand slapped against the top of the desk as I tried to relieve a bit of my frustration on it. But when I heard it give a small groan of indignation I open my eyes wide in surprise and gave that piece of furniture a wide girth of space.

But even as I scooted cautiously back from it as if I was afraid it might reach out and bite me, it still didn't stop the frustration boiling inside of me. "I mean I belong to Team Seven which consists of me the great Uzumaki, Naruto, the girl I've been crushing on Haruno, Sakura, the guy I've been hating until almost recently Uchiha, Sasuke and our always late, Icha Icha Paradise reading Jounin team leader Hatake, Kakashi." I began as I lowered my arms to tick off my teammates on my fingers. "And I'll admit it right now it wouldn't be much of a team if it weren't for yours truly right here with my cat-like reflexes and my cool ninja moves. All that goofing around business you see me doing is to fool the enemy and to keep my teammates guess," I say proudly puffing out my chest.

"Yep I'm a crafty, little fox boy aren't I? Just admit and begin worshipping me now just to save face. But I mean really okay so that teme did save me during the beginning of our mission. And yeah, yeah he threw his body in front of that Haku guy's attacks," I mumble out grudgingly. A frown slowly replaced the shit-eating grin I was wearing a moment ago before I quickly wave it off and smiled again.

"Man was I surprised when I found out that she was a he. But anyway that's all water under the bridge. Oh did you know they named a bridge after me? **The Great Naruto Bridge.** Yeah I'm great alright or at least some people notice that..." I trailed off. I vaguely realize how my chest, which had been puffing out proudly moments ago as I talked about the bridge named after me, had deflated as I said those last words. I stop walking as I go into depress mode and kick at an invisible rock on my worn out carpet. Then I mumble so low that even I could barely hear it, "Although then again I'm still bummed I don't have any fans yet. I mean almost every guy in Konoha has a group of fan girls stalking… I mean following them," I sighed out in frustration. And then I pump my hand into the air with indignation, as frustration takes over me, "And I'm wondering... **where the hell are my Naruto obsessed fan girls?"**

"I mean the show is called Naruto for Kami's sake so where is my entourage?" I continued to rant before I tried to calm myself down. _'Iruka's right I get riled up too easily,'_ I thought reluctantly. I took in a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. And then I continued a bit more calmly. "But that's okay, they'll come… eventually… I hope. Heh of course they will. I'm the hottest thing that's come out since instant ramen. Speaking of Instant Ramen…" I trail off as I make my way towards my microwave that just beeped in the kitchen.

_'Ramen!'_

"You are my one and only true obsession…" I begin as I carefully take my **precious** out of the microwave. I was tempted to rub my cheek against the styrofoam cup to rub against the warmth but I learned my lesson from last time... So much ramen wasted because I accidentally rubbed too hard and some of the hot water spilled on me. And that was like the domino effect to everything else including me yelping in pain before dropping the cup. Then me falling to my knees to grieve over the limp noodles only to have my pants legs become soaked with hot broth and me nearly falling over as I try to scramble up. _'Yep that's a lesson that only needs to be taught once for me to get it.'_

_'But anyway ramen is life! And like I said it's my one and only obsession,'_ I think before I begin to rethink what I just said. "Well first obsession. The second is Sakura and the third is tied between kicking Sasuke's ass and becoming Hokage. But wait I'll tell you what my plans will be after I finish eating okay?" I quickly move to the sofa to set my cup down on the counter. I then clap my hands together in a quick prayer and silent thanks before I pick up my lunch and dig in. _'And I'm in ramen heaven... Although I'll admit right now instant ramen will never hold a candle to Ichiraku's ramen. You can believe that.'_

But it's only when I've laid back against the crook of my couch's armrest and have fought off the first waves of drossiness that sets in after consuming cup after cup of ramen that I notice my viewers. I lift my hand in a small salute, my cheeks flushed slightly at forgetting you guys. "Heh… sorry about that but I got lost in the noodle goodness that is ramen." I sigh happily as I rub my sudden potbelly before trying to ease myself into a more suitable and comfortable position to receive guests. And that's when I remembered I needed my notebook. And my body unable to move any more then necessary I decide quickly to perform the jutsu that would allow my copy to get my book for me.

Though as I crane my head back to look at my doppelganger to see how he's fairing with the book I notice that he's a little bloated around the middle too. I try to wave that fact away along with my clone's grumbling about, "How lazy I am" and how "If he walked too fast he might blow ramen chunks everywhere." _'Kami my clone really didn't need to say that because now my tummy is growling in agreement. Dumb clone.'_

Although my clone must have heard or read my thoughts, seeing as he was me, because why else would he chuck my journal at my head. And for a moment I sat there stunned with a red mark on one side of my face and the book over my head. I think I was doing a good imitation of a fish, my eyes all wide and clueless and my mouth opening and closing from surprise. But of course I, the Great Uzumaki, recovered to seek my revenge. I quickly toss the book aside and sit up ready to do battle and begin to argue with my clone. My hands were raised and ready to wave as I issued out threats that my body couldn't actually perform quite yet. And my body thinking on those lines had decided to suddenly leave me slumped over the side of the couch's back; my head and arms dangled helplessly over the side making me feel like a rag doll. _'Kami I feel sick…'_

I lifted my head slightly trying to hold back my nausea only to see that my clone wasn't fairing that well either. In fact he was slumped over the small table I called a desk, his face probably just as pale as mines was now. _'We were such a sorry sight. No wonder we don't get fan girls.'_ I had even thought of possibly sleeping away the sick feeling not quite wanting to pay a visit to my toilet. _'That's just a waste of food. I'm sorry ramen does not taste good going back up. Believe it!'_ But vaguely my clone waved to my awaiting audience and I grudgingly admit thanks to him for reminding me of your presence.

"But oh I didn't mean for you to see us like this," I mutter quickly and slowly, ever so slowly ease myself into a reclined position. I allowed my jutsu to fall from the clone so he puffed away and I smile weakly at you. "I've had worse tummy aches. Like there was the time with the rotten milk and Sasuke. You know where I tried to get closer to Sakura-chan and I ended up getting closer to… uh... we don't need to remember that. Oh, oh how about that time I thought I could eat more ramen then Chouji. Boy was I wrong there. Not only did he eat me under the table but I had eaten so much that for like a week I couldn't look at ramen without shivering and having nightmares about the stuff trying to eat **me** instead."

"I think that's the longest I've gone without ramen..." I trail off in wonder. My eyes unfocused a bit because I never thought I could willingly live without it for so long. But once more I notice you and scowl because I'm wondering why you're here. "Hey what did I invite you here for again? Oh yeah fan girls. I'm going to begin my research on fan girls. I even have this camera set up right here," wave to the camera in front of my small TV. "It was a present from old man Sarutobi for not dying on my first real mission as I had liked to call the 'B' rank mission we ended up receiving. And I would have probably argued at him for that but man oh man it's a beauty. It's so shiny and new and has so many god damn buttons I'm not sure how to work the stupid thing."

_'I think it's on record. Oh well I'll have Konohamaru or someone work it for me while I'm undercover. It's the least the kid can do for me taking him under my wing and all… If I boast it's because I deserve to. Besides if it's not too traumatizing he can go undercover with me too.'_

"Hey this documentary is being brought to you by Kyuubi Productions since those people at National Geographic think this fan girl business is just some kid sulking about not having any fan girls chasing after him." _'I don't know why I want fan girls to chase me everywhere. I know Sasuke is irritated about it but it looks kind of fun. Makes you feel important and stuff. **And** I am not sulking… pouting but not sulking.'_ I sighed and comb my hand through my hair before I try to straighten out my **manly** pout to give you a small smile.

"I'm here today because I want to show the world the inner workings of fan girls. I mean it might seem all good and wonderful now but I get this sinister feeling from them," I begin to explain. _'Though now I'm starting to feel like I'm repeating myself though I won't admit that it's any fault of my own. Things just keep distracting me, okay?'_ I tried to defend myself in my head.

But quickly I speak, dropping my voice to a secretive whisper in hopes of keeping your interests. I even lean in to you a bit, my hand placed against the side of my mouth so as too stop some unimportant person from lip reading my words to you. "Like okay case in point, remember when I accidentally kissed Sasuke? **No** don't focus on the kiss! Now get your mind out of the gutter and focus on the moments before that," I quickly rebuke scowling at you before cautiously venturing on.

"Well remember those girls all-pushing, vying for a spot to sit by that teme. You know that day after the graduation where I thought I was going to repeat the Academy before that Mizuki shit hit the fan and I earned this right here." I pause just to stroke a lone digit across the metal part of my headband before continuing. "Okay, yeah you're remembering it right? Well okay I was sitting near that Sasuke teme wondering what's so hot and cool about his brooding, pale ass while all that fan girl drama was going on behind me. And me the poor victim trapped between that madness… If I'd known how much danger I'd have been in I'd make sure I was across the room from Sasuke then."

When I was pretty sure I had your attention I reclined back against my shabby looking couch. My voice returned back to normal as I continued. "But yeah those are the notorious Sasuke fan girls and my mission is to find out what's so damn interesting about the Uchiha that such violence had to take place before and after Sasuke and I accidentally kissed. Okay I briefed you right so we'll be off. Um… first let's pick up the kid and then we'll go and get the necessary materials for my transformation into a fan girl," I announce before getting up with a slight grunt.

I reach out and take up the camera that was standing up on its tripod legs before I detached it delicately. Then as soon as I could secure the expensive equipment comfortably under my arm I move towards the door and open it. And me being such a gentleman I open it a bit wider for you to walk past me first before I walk out too fully close it behind me. "You'll see what I see okay?" I whisper to you breathlessly before starting to leap across the rooftops, destination Konohamaru's home. It was only a few minutes and a few rocks tossed later that I saw the sleepy mop of brown hair coming to the window revealing Konohamaru. _I wonder if he was taking an afternoon nap. Man I remember those… good times, good times._

But anyway just sit back for a sec while I yell... I mean try to persuade Konohamaru to come and help me on my assignment. But okay you just saw right there that as soon as I mention possible danger and a chance to use sexy no jutsu he was at my side in moments. 'How'd he get there so fast? Though… that's okay, he'll need to run in case we get caught,' I say reediting my thoughts after I weight the pros and cons. So I hand my precious camera to him and briefly brief him on the mission. Then before he could actually ask me any questions like _'whether Moegi and Udon could tag along?'_ I'm off. My mind was already thinking up my next destination, which just so happens to be Sakura-chan's home.

"I know what you are probably thinking. Why leave the kid like that when he's doing you a favor? Well I mean he's a big boy now and he doesn't need someone like me holding his hand every step of the way. Besides I'll look back now to see if he's still there," I tell you again a bit breathless as I run beside you. "Hey did you know you're a pretty fast runner to keep up with me like this? And See? I did, he's following although Konohamaru a bit behind the two us. So everything's okay now." I give you a cheerful smile before nearly letting out a gasp of surprise when I misjudge my footing on a roof tile and nearly fell off it.

My smile was really genuine when you reached out and you grabbed my hand. 'Heh I guess I at least have a fan in you,' I think to myself. I didn't quite what to reveal that little tidbit to you before I could fully control the blush on my cheeks. And I can sense Konohamaru's still following me. _'And I swear if that stupid scarf trips him up and ruins my precious camera that's its over for him.'_ I swear to myself, my hand unconsciously balling at my side as I continue to move. My eyes soon locate the window that I know my precious Sakura-chan lies in before I leap up to the balcony. I pause to allow Konohamaru time to follow before I shush the both of you so I could try and sense out Sakura's charka trail. _'It's cold'._

_'Nope my pink haired Aphrodite isn't here,'_ I mumble to myself. I'm kind of disappointed but then again she doesn't need to see what I'm about to do next. I quickly check around for any booby traps before I infiltrate her window, happy that she left it open.

_'Hey maybe she's expecting me, you think?'_

I smile warmly at the thought before shaking my head. _First things first…_ I say to myself as I slowly climb inside the room. I almost roll my eyes as I see pale pink walls and what is that rose pink carpet? It looks like a dirty pink to me. I really don't see why girl's give names to almost every shade of color under the sun. I then walk towards her dresser drawers, my mind intent on one goal and one goal only. My hands already opening up the first of may drawers even as Konohmaru slowly stumbles in and whispers to me what I'm doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? I ask him as I hold up my prize. A pair of polka dotted pink and yellow panties. And for a moment I wonder why he was blushing like that or why he was giving me the look I usually give Kakashi when I see him with that book before I shake my head furiously no.

No! No it's not like that. It's for research Konohamaru… World. No this purely innocent. I try to convince both the boy and the camera but I can feel my cheeks burning. I'm doing this only because I can't actually go up to a clothes store and demand girl's clothes. I mean they might think me some kind of pervert… Oh and you're thinking it to, aren't you.

No I'm not like Kakashi. I don't get my kicks looking at dirty books and I'm sure not trying to be some freak-o or pervert. It's just when I use sexy no jutsu I can't quite imagine clothes for them. I'm too busy imaging no clothes to surprise attack my enemies that I'm sure if I imagine clothes for them it'll turn out all wrong.

Okay do you know understand I'm not a pervert? I smile a little shakily even though that unsure nod of yours has me a bit worried. So quickly I make hand signals for Sexy no Jutsu and quickly try to put on Sakura's panties and bra. But god how do you work this bra? Why do girls have so many snaps? I ask in frustration. But as soon as Konohamaru helps with putting it on I realize it's too small for my buxom figure.

Kami wait is this a training bra? No wonder. But don't worry I love you anyway Sakura-chan no matter if your flat as a board. You'll be a late bloomer for me right? But before I can even think what I just said to the camera might earn me an ass kicking later I hear the sounds of someone coming to the room. I nearly screamed… okay all right I did scream. I have just have Shikamaru edit that out for me.

But I can't have Sakura see me like this… wearing her bra, with a camera. I was in full panic mode as I managed to take off bra and panties before letting go of the jutsu and jumping out the window with Konohmaru in tow. Just in time too as I peer at Sakura's still open window. I watch as she looks down at her rumbled underwear wondering how that got that way before she allowed her eyes to go to the window. I freak out and fell out of the tree as for a brief moment as I see murder in her eyes and she yells out my name. But I'm pretty sure she really doesn't think it's me because I'm halfway across town by then and I think I just lost Konohamaru.

Oh… there he is… Is that Sakura behind him? Kami I'm out of here. I think before I somehow find myself in the Hyuuga district. My body soon climbed into someone's bedroom window in hopes of avoiding the anger of Sakura-chan.

She's scary…

I shiver before I look up to see snapshots of me littering what appears to be a girl's bedroom. I mean they are plastered almost all over the room and some of them are of me training and sleeping. I… is this Hinata's room?

To be continued…

A/N: I really do hope you enjoy and I'll update when you comment more. But please don't give me a one or two liner like update, or update please, or more. That's not telling me what part of my story that you like and it's not going to make me want to update very fast. So please if I can take time to write stories for you, you can take one or two minutes to write a review. Okay bye bye.


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